How to Train a Writer

1. Stand them up straight and have them say, “I am a writer.”
2. Take away all electronics.
3. Sit them down in a chair at a desk with only a notebook and a pen.
4. Hold a local coffee shop gift card above their heads as a reward.
5. Put the pen in their hand and the pen to the page.
6. Loom over them threateningly until words pour out on the page.
7. Throw ideas at them until they tell you to shut up.
8. Whisper in their ears, “You are a writer. You are a writer.”
9. Remove all books from the vicinity.
10. Play yodeling music until the first sentence is crafted. That will do it.

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